This was my first day back at work and I am sad. It’s not work in itself really. The bubble of the holidays has burst on my face and I feel like a child whose balloon has just unexpectedly popped. Scared, confused, guilty, but mainly sad that it’s gone.
It doesn’t help that I am slightly jet lagged. It doesn’t help that I am tired as hell, every bone in my body is complaining and it’s sleety in Glasgow.
Less than four days ago, this was a typical breakfast.
Now I have barely seen the light of the sun (if there has been any at all) and when I went to get lunch this afternoon, the wind could have easily blown me all the way to Edinburgh.
Whilst I was having a coffee rest at the veranda last week, I jotted down a plan that I want to action for the next three weeks to bring Chapter three into a close and write it once and for all. I wrote down what I needed to do every day of this week. This morning, however, and all day today, I have been wondering what I am doing here.
Was I seriously doing a PhD before I left on holiday? What was it about?
I needed a full pelt break because the work-work-life balance was totally running me into the ground, but now I feel I am so detached from things I can barely make heads and tails of what I was meant to be doing. Today, tomorrow, and the rest of this week. I suppose it is a combination of massive travelling plus many days away from work plus the shock of the first day at work, but my head can’t seem to find the information it requires from its cabinets. In that coffee break I wrote down I want to rewrite the entire chapter – but what was the chapter about?
I am sure I will eventually come back from my holiday brain freeze (the weather outside is not really helping) at some point, but I have so much to do that it better be earlier than later. Maybe I will use the prodigious annoyance of waking up at 5am inadvertently and put it to good use. Here’s hope!